Thursday, April 30, 2009

Tender, Love & Caress

Vincent has been having one hell of a time with his top teeth. They appear to be killing him from the inside out, which consequentially makes my heart feel as though someone is puncturing it with a sharp knife. Last night seemed to be exceptionally challenging, getting him to sleep that is. I tried nursing, I tried letting him cry, I tried rockin’, rollin’, whatever, it wasn’t gonna happen. I was dumbfounded. I decided to try to lay down with him in my bed and let him nurse that way; sometimes he will fall asleep that way. No such luck. He flailed about the bed as if he was wrestling an alligator, all the while huffing and puffing, crying and staring at me like why aren’t you helping me mommy? Oh my. This is my heart…in pieces on the floor. For real. What happened next was quite possibly the most touching moment I have experienced with my son throughout his whole (almost) 12 months of life. He lifted his small face up in the air, the room was dark but I could see his silhouette with the light of the monitor. Then he took his hand and found mine. He, with such a sense of desperation, placed my hand on his head. I began the gentle caressing of his head, my lips against forehead, running my fingers through his funky little hair. And that was it. The crying stopped and the eyes closed. Within seconds he was asleep. It was the most kid-like thing he has ever done. Please just rub my head. What a lover.

Once I was sure he was asleep, I slowly took my hand away from head and backed myself up so I could better have a view of his charming, tiny face. I used the glow of the monitor to lay there in complete and total awe. I stared deeply at him. I stared at him in a way I haven’t in a long time. I saw the fragileness in his hands, the life in his breathe. I breathed him in, all of him. I wondered what kind of man he would grow to be. I saw life 20 years from now, him grown and me, well, still young. I allowed myself to feel everything in that very moment. The purity of our love. Like nothing else in this world.

** This photo was taken when Vincent was one week old. I would love to post a recent photo of Vincent in sleepy town, but I wouldn't dare click a camera in fear of waking the beast, the cute beast**