The sun is shining ever so brightly in my livingroom window as I write this. It makes my eyes squint a little but not enough to want to close the blinds just yet. Vincent sleeps peacefully in his crib and I can hear his near silent moans and sighs through the baby monitor. I think about catching up on the shows I have dvd'erd (that's a strange word, eh?), but the idea of the mind numbing activity already has me bored. I've been spending countless hours trying to organize Vincent's photo album. It is my goal to have a photo album for each year of his life. I go through large stacks of disorganized photos and look closely at the changes that can occur in a mere week of an infant's life. I count my blessings and try to not take a single moment of his life for granted. His changes are astonishing. His growth is mind blowing. I blink my eyes and he is smiling, I blink my eyes and he starts to laugh, I blink my eyes and he's sitting, rolling over, nearly crawling. He is one week away from his 6 month birthday. Can you believe it? I cannot.
The other day I wrote a letter to an old friend. I signed my name and tossed it in the mailbox. Suprisingly enough, I don't regret it. Yet. See, this old friend use to be a best friend, and then an enemy, and then an aquaintence. It has been a complicated, weird situation that I had many unresolved issues over. I got a lot of my chest - and at the risk of sounding corny, I feel as though I finally received the closure that I have desperately been seeking for years. A final goodbye. No blood bath. No war of the words. Just goodbye and good luck and best wishes. And then nothing more. I want to let go of bad vibes. I cannot afford to have them. If I want my young son to thrive in an happy environment, I cannot harbor ill will towards anyone. Nor do I want to. I want happiness to overwhelm me. Is that too much to ask? I want it all. Is that too much? I don't care. It's my new attainable goal. To be everything to everyone without exhasting myself. Sound like a big job? You're probably right. And I very well might fall on my face, but it'll all be worth it.
I will say "I love you" even more than I already do. I will kiss my baby even more than I already do. I will forgive when forgivness isn't asked of me. I will wipe my slate clean and soak in each tiny moment as if the sun won't be here tomorrow. Negativity only brings you down. Down in a hole where only misery loves company and it's a hard hole to climb out of. I will be placed firmly above ground, above water, but not above anyone. It feels good to know that I can start fresh each morning. I can look at my husband and tell him "thank you", I can call my mom and say "I owe you everything". I have every opportunity to make each day special. So do you. So do it.